it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
