Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
