apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
