mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
