She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
