So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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