my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
