how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
