So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
