I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
