K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
