My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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