you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
