There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
