Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
