I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
