This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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