Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
