I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
