i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
