You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
