Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
