Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
