Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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