i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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