A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
