I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
