he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
