i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
