fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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