He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
