and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
