Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
