I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
