i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
