I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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