anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
