I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
