Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
