You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
