he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
