I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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