I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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