tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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