I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
