How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
