Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My feet surprised me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
