she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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