dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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