your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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