You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
