What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
