i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
