I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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